I'm really confused

Wow. I haven't blogged in a while!! This is my first post in...how many weeks? Idk, I'm really not sure! I guess a part of me always thought it was ok. Just play it down, play it cool, and no one would notice you. Honestly, I didn't want that. I didn't exactly want to be the invisible one...although there are people who are worse off than I am. Still, I guess I'm more afraid of being disliked. I don't know if I'm making sense at this moment, and it isn't like anyone is going to read this anyway so it doesn't really matter. I want to ask, but I'm scared of asking. After all, I was asked to read it...about a couple months ago and I just never did!! I don't know why. Was I too busy? Not really. At least, I would have had the free time to read if I did. What was I so scared of? I respect privacy, but that's just an excuse since I just read it today. Now I'm bothered. Bothered for a guy?! This isn't like me. Everyday, I told myself to get all these unnecessary thoughts out of my head and concentrate. If I don't do that, then I mess up my day. I think and think and think and think, and just waste my time. That's my problem...I think waay too much and do so little! This post made no sense, but I guess all I really need is to vent. I should probably delete this later...

The border

There is a difference between telling a story and writing story. When you write a story, you can always go back and erase what you have written. You can look at a perspective and twist it in a sense that is logical to your warped imagination. But how many, when they write, actually know what they're writing? You throw a character that you have created into this world that simply makes their short lives plain miserable. You have to...otherwise the story wouldn't be as exciting. The suffering and the hardships that your characters go through, the burdens they carry, are all for enjoyment. When phrased like that, I guess in some way I'm making the writer seem like a bad person. Don't misunderstand me, as I am a writer myself. Many times, my characters have gone through hell. A little hypocritical am I? I suppose in one way I am. Yet, through the middle, I stop writing. It becomes too much. To me it's as if I'm orchestrating someone's death. Except, this isn't real. I'm feeling empathy for a character. That's when writing becomes dangerous and frightening. You feel, somewhere in your heart, guilt and remorse. Why does this character have to die? Why must this happen? An inner voice asks you all the time. You don't know. You can't know. What your brain creates is uncontrollable, illogical. Mere words can't explain the depth of the imagination.
When the border between fantasy and reality collide, an inner battle is waged. Your mind urges you to continue, pleads with you to continue the story. Your heart, however, begs you to spare your characters. Let them live one more day...one more day turns to months, which turns to years, which eventually never comes. How do you stop this madness? How do you turn away and write without knowing? How?

I really honestly hate goodbyes

Bye. I seriously hate that word. Reason? I've already said it too much. Bye is like I'm never going to see you again or I don't know when we're going to meet again. It's better to say later or ttyl or see you. At least I know that we'll see each other, that somehow we're all going to stay connected. Even if it isn't true, I can at least let myself be in denial or believe in false illusions. Life in denial is sometimes life worth living. At least for those who cant face reality. I want to know that somehow somewhere in life, we`re going to run in again. But what are the chances of that happening? And even if that comes true, what are we going to say? I can only think of three words...I missed you...

Invisible, yet Noticeable

I should have seen it. I did actually, yet I couldn`t fully grasp comprehend it. Their condescending smiles every time I looked with awe or fear, the superior flame in their eyes when I agreed without a word. Maybe that`s why I`m like this...submissive, and complacent. I`m never in position to ask questions, at least that is what I always think. Stay down, keep a low profile, don`t argue. That has been my motto, the words I repeat over and over in my mind. I must remind myself of this. If I stray from this rule, life becomes more comlplicated and I am misunderstood. Why do I care though? Why must keep blindly following orders from people other than myself? It`s not just the people who have authority, but even people whom I not even close too.
``Oh, could you get this for me?`` ``Please go down.``
Their orders are sugarcoated with manners, but I know what they`re really thinking. That I`m so easy and gullible. I found a way out of that. I let myself go. I wasn`t going to deal with this anymore. I was going to be free.

Words aren't suppose to hurt, But they do...

Everytime you talk to me that way, everytime you say those things it hurts. Even though I know I'm not the one you're angry at, I don't deserve to be your "punching bag." For all the times you were annoyed, or had a bad day, or got into a fight, you always took it out on me, even when I wasn't involved. Can't you honestly just stop? I get the first few times. I can put up with it for a while. This, however, has been going on for years!! I'm at my limit, my breaking point. You can feel it can't you? I don't act my usual self with you anymore. I have so many resentments against you...but if I say something, or express how I feel, you label me as "insolent." Maybe I am, but I'm done. I'm not like the others who submissively bow down their heads to you when ever you act like a spoiled brat. I have a mind of my own and I know better than to lay down my dignity for someone whom I find it hard to respect.

Lost...

I feel lost...and so out of touch with reality. There's something wrong...something big will happen...I know it will...I'm can see it coming. Yet, I'm calm and relaxed. Is this a delayed reaction? Will all the hurt and pain bury itself deep in my heart, and then suddenly explode? Will I be able to take it? I don't know. I just want to hide. I can't trust myself. I just might make things worse than it already is. One word, one little action, and all I've worked hard for could just come crashing down. Why? Before, you couldn't care less what happened to me...and now, just because you're leaving, you want to repent?? You want to make up for all the things you didn't do?? Maybe, I'm being a little judgemental, but I can't help it. This is confusing. I'm not used to this at all. Do you honestly think that a couple of good acts here and there make up for the past? The past, no matter what, will always affect the future. No matter how much you want to change, I still see what you were. Even now. Can't you understand that?? I'm trying, so hard to see a change...but I can't. The past is haunting, not only for me, but for you. Stop, stop trying to act nice at the very end. It's frustrating.

Selfishness

Selfishness is basically saying, "mine mine mine" all the time. A lot of the times, people are selfish. It's human nature. Ok there are people who aren't selfish, who give and give and give and give with a smile without asking for anything in return. But you know what? I was once a person like that and I was slowly taken advantage of. "Could you do me a favour please?" or "I'm soo hungry...you have any money I could borrow?" Yup I heard stuff like that for a long time, and have been accused of being "too nice". I just got sick of it. What the hell am I doing? It's the same thing as selling yourself!!!! So I tried stopping. It didn't work. Reason? Simple, I grew up as a person who was submissive and docile. When a person says smile, I smile. When they say cry, I cry. AAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A stupid cycle that I desparately want to break out of. Oh and I tried. You know what? I got called selfish because of that!! My friends say I'm too nice and should have some kind of attitude so I'm not taken advantage by other people. But the other side says I'm too selfish and should learn to give more. The other side says I should smile all the time even when I'm being forced into something I don't want to do! The other side says I should obey every order with a yes or a no!! The other side says that is the meaning of respect. Apparently the phrase, "You have to earn respect," doesn't exist anymore. Respect needs to be given freely now. 15 years I put up with this. I tried to control my temper, be docile and good. Well I'm sorry I can't do this anymore ok?? There is so much more of this I can take and now I've reached my limit. I'm changing and the world is too. People who can't accept it have to learn how to. That's all I can say...

Awkward Situations

Let's just say you're standing in front of a mall and you see an old friend who you haven't talked to a long time. She sees you, then comes over and a convo starts. Suddenly, her younger brother comes and interupts. You recognize him as your ex. Silence comes and your mind goes blank, thinking of what to say. You look at your friend who simply comments after a while, "This is awkward." (Wow. Did you really have to say the obvious? I mean that didn't help at all.) And the silence continues until you say, "um yeah I should probably go. Someone's waiting for me." Your friend who just sighs in relief, smiles, grabs her brother and runs. Probably saying how awkward it was talking with you. Truth is no one is waiting. You're at the mall with your older sister (more like being dragged to the mall) and was just wandering. Yup and oh, you're a boy, just for the record.



Yah that happened to a person I once knew. Very awkward situation...

Dreams that I Remember

Even though the title of this post may sound normal, hell even sweet, I will warn you now that this assumption is completely, totally, cross my heart and hope to die WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (before I continue I just have to comment that I never did get the point of that oath since so many people end up breaking it anyway and they lived...but to the people who went through with it, which means you either kept your promise or died, the world needs more people like you!!) Now everything's straight. Anyway, when I mean dreams, I'm not exactly talking about occupations like a lawyer or a doctor or a teacher or a janitor or taxi driver or something like that. Nope my dreams were always a little more...hmm I don't know how to say it...abnormal I guess. Hey what can I say? Insanity runs in the blood...not that I'm proud of it...but it does explain a lot of things. Well I can't remember my past dreams...I'm a really forgetful person so I'll just go with the latest one.


My mind stops, my body loses all movement, I sink into the ground. My voice screams and wails of help cry out but no sound is heard. Tears fill my eyes, clear salty tears streak down each cheek as I feel myself reach my breaking point. My pained heart has shattered, has become a whirl of confused emotions, like a mirror into sharp jagged pieces. The pain that was once there has now numbed into a cold hardened state. What happened to me? I've asked myself that question so many times. Now I realized...I lost control...



Yup as you will probably notice my dreams NEVER make any sense. Usually, I'm either lost in the middle of a confusing situation or I'm looking at the dream in two views. Ok let's just say you're reading a book and the main character is yourself. That's what I mean by two views, first person and the reader. What's really weird about my dreams though is sometimes they come true in real life (although this happens rarely and I mean once in two yrs sorta thing). Not the entire dream, just a few parts of it actually happen and then I get a strange sense of wow this happened before except it was in my dream sorta feeling. Not a really good way to start a day. (oh for those who may think I'm crazy right now, I'm not. Dreams coming true in real life does happen to everyone at some point in their lives. If it hasn't happened to you yet, maybe you just don't dream which I respect since dreams are confusing [hey i'm a living example of that cuz I'm always confused] or I don't know, I'm not an expert on this. I'm just a blogger writing a bunch of random crap. I can only say keep waiting man, it might happen some day!!