Invisible, yet Noticeable

I should have seen it. I did actually, yet I couldn`t fully grasp comprehend it. Their condescending smiles every time I looked with awe or fear, the superior flame in their eyes when I agreed without a word. Maybe that`s why I`m like this...submissive, and complacent. I`m never in position to ask questions, at least that is what I always think. Stay down, keep a low profile, don`t argue. That has been my motto, the words I repeat over and over in my mind. I must remind myself of this. If I stray from this rule, life becomes more comlplicated and I am misunderstood. Why do I care though? Why must keep blindly following orders from people other than myself? It`s not just the people who have authority, but even people whom I not even close too.
``Oh, could you get this for me?`` ``Please go down.``
Their orders are sugarcoated with manners, but I know what they`re really thinking. That I`m so easy and gullible. I found a way out of that. I let myself go. I wasn`t going to deal with this anymore. I was going to be free.

Words aren't suppose to hurt, But they do...

Everytime you talk to me that way, everytime you say those things it hurts. Even though I know I'm not the one you're angry at, I don't deserve to be your "punching bag." For all the times you were annoyed, or had a bad day, or got into a fight, you always took it out on me, even when I wasn't involved. Can't you honestly just stop? I get the first few times. I can put up with it for a while. This, however, has been going on for years!! I'm at my limit, my breaking point. You can feel it can't you? I don't act my usual self with you anymore. I have so many resentments against you...but if I say something, or express how I feel, you label me as "insolent." Maybe I am, but I'm done. I'm not like the others who submissively bow down their heads to you when ever you act like a spoiled brat. I have a mind of my own and I know better than to lay down my dignity for someone whom I find it hard to respect.

Lost...

I feel lost...and so out of touch with reality. There's something wrong...something big will happen...I know it will...I'm can see it coming. Yet, I'm calm and relaxed. Is this a delayed reaction? Will all the hurt and pain bury itself deep in my heart, and then suddenly explode? Will I be able to take it? I don't know. I just want to hide. I can't trust myself. I just might make things worse than it already is. One word, one little action, and all I've worked hard for could just come crashing down. Why? Before, you couldn't care less what happened to me...and now, just because you're leaving, you want to repent?? You want to make up for all the things you didn't do?? Maybe, I'm being a little judgemental, but I can't help it. This is confusing. I'm not used to this at all. Do you honestly think that a couple of good acts here and there make up for the past? The past, no matter what, will always affect the future. No matter how much you want to change, I still see what you were. Even now. Can't you understand that?? I'm trying, so hard to see a change...but I can't. The past is haunting, not only for me, but for you. Stop, stop trying to act nice at the very end. It's frustrating.